This post is comprised of some reflections followed by ideas about what’s been most helpful to my physical and emotional health recently.

Well, hello; it’s been a while! I’m not going to lie – it surprised me when I woke up this morning with the motivation to write an update. Writing and sharing my journey publicly used to be one of the biggest tools of my recovery. These days, it’s been different, and that’s okay. Currently, my processing often occurs in scribbles in a note on my phone called “Journaling on the Road”; in conversations with my therapist, spiritual director, breathwork practitioner, dietitian, partner, and most trusted loved ones; through moving my body, especially in ways that once were far too difficult for me, with the guidance of a physical therapist and now a personal trainer; and in pen strokes held within letters to my pen pals.

Every once in a while, I think about deleting this blog because of how much I’ve changed as a person since starting it and how much my relationship to my body, mind, and spirit have transformed over time. In this season of my life, I don’t feel as closely tied to my diagnoses as I once did because many of my symptoms have decreased significantly. I believe that some of this is due to good fortune and some of this is due to incredibly hard work that I have gotten used to doing as part of my daily, weekly, and monthly life. The activities that I do to keep myself feeling as well as possible these days were often so damn hard for me at first, and yet I’m no longer in the “at first” period for many of them.

Beautifully, this was part of the original intention for this blog – to serve as a way for me to try “healthy” things out and see how they would go – so even though I no longer live as publicly or write as often as I used to, this blog still serves its purpose and I don’t have plans to delete it. Without doing a single thing this year for the blog, it still got more than a thousand individual visitors, and I’m deeply honored that people still seek help and encouragement here. Not all of the information is up-to-date for me anymore, and I’m sure if I were to read each of my old posts, I would find plenty with snippets that remind me just how much perspectives can change over time. However, I am so proud of what I used to do so often for this blog, and in honor of that, here are a few of the things that have been most helpful for my physical and mental health this year. Because of how connected the body and mind are, I’m not going to separate this into multiple lists.

1. I got nerve blocks in two parts of my back.
   
   I initially went to my anesthesiologist with the hope of getting cortisone shots, but we tried something that was new for me. Holy smokes – what an absolutely life-changing intervention for pain that hadn’t responded much to other interventions. And I feel like the blocks have been part of my efforts to teach my nervous system as a whole to calm down. Fibromyalgia and irritable bowel syndrome are both part of a group of syndromes called “central sensitivity syndromes”, and having less stress related to the amount of pain in my back appears to be affecting far more of my body than just my back. I cannot express how grateful I am for this.
   
2. I started working with a dietitian again to demystify and lower my anxiety about food.
   
   I’ve dealt with digestive problems at so many points in my life that it became impossible for me to feel like I could eat a typical diet and be okay. After I got C. diff almost six years ago, I was put on the low-FODMAP diet (a well-researched diet specifically formulated for people with irritable bowel syndrome) to help myself restart, and it helped so much that I stayed on it rather than doing the reintroduction process. Five and a half years into a diet that people often do just for a few weeks or months, I’m reintroducing those once-eliminated foods, and it is more exciting than I know how to say.
   
   Kim Lindsay is a fabulous dietitian to do a telehealth appointment with. She has been a wonderful guide who has helped me increase my knowledge, self-compassion, and hope when it comes to food. She’s helped me to begin understanding that it makes sense that I felt, and sometimes (maybe often?) still feel, a significant amount of anxiety about food – I went through many, many years of consistently feeling sick after eating and never quite knowing which foods would go down okay. I am so thankful for the ways that the low-FODMAP diet helped me to believe that any foods would go down okay. And thankfully, these days, it’s easier for me in general. My overall mental health is far better, which helps my nervous system more naturally be in a parasympathetic state (“rest and digest”) rather than a sympathetic state (“fight or flight”). I also started using the Nerva app, which consists of 1. Short articles about research relating to irritable bowel syndrome and 2. Short meditations of anxiety-reduction techniques focused on symptoms and eating. (“Gut-directed hypnotherapy” sounds like a bunch of bullshit, but research points to it being just as effective at reducing IBS symptoms as doing the low-FODMAP diet. Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it). Talking with my breathwork practitioner, Dara Israel, about mindful eating has also been revelatory.
   
3. I did another round of physical therapy, re-joined a gym, and continued my education and activity virtually with a personal trainer.
   
   I got sent to physical therapy (again) for overall gait training to improve my walking and posture, and my physical therapist showed me that I could do so much more than I thought I was capable of. She showed me how to do everyday movements in ways that activate the right muscle groups and prevent compensatory muscle pain. She taught me more about anatomy and how to stretch and train well to make my body feel better rather than strained. Now I work virtually with a personal trainer through Coach Sam Arnold‘s gym, SHAPE Training. The coaches are motivating and the prices are quite reasonable.
   
4. I continued exploring the inner workings and stories of my self through therapy, psychiatry, and spiritual direction, and I started doing breathwork.
   
   In October, I went on a breathwork retreat hosted by one of my oldest and dearest friends, Dara Israel, who is now my one-on-one breathwork practitioner as well. Through exploring the power of my breath to help my body understand that it is safe and held rather than unsafe and in need of protecting itself (again, back to that parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems idea!), I’m becoming closer with my body and learning to see it as a teacher, companion, and guide rather than an enemy and a force that stops me from doing what I want to do. I’ve experienced psychological breakthroughs that now aren’t just head knowledge, but deep heart knowledge as well. I’ve sobbed, screamed, laughed, been confused, been as clear as I’ve ever been, had no words, and had more words than there is time to speak them. But most importantly, I’ve felt loved, accepted, and welcomed. Working with Dara is worth every dollar and every moment of uncertainty about where my mind and body will take me during each session.
   
5. I kept my mind open.
   
   There are so many things I couldn’t do a decade ago that I can do now. It’s confusing and amazing. It’s inexplicable and also filled with hard work that makes it (somewhat?) explicable. The most important thing that I’ve needed to do is be willing to try something again, even if it wasn’t in my realm of possibility before. Eating gluten and dairy, even though I thought they were gone from my diet for good. Lifting (up to medium weight!) boxes and doing household tasks, even though I worried that they would zap me of my whole day’s energy like they did in the past. Standing on the subway when I couldn’t easily find a seat, even though my heart rate increases due to the symptoms of postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. Going to the gym regularly, even though it costs a decent chunk of money and I have a busy schedule that I was afraid of overfilling. Having a very full social calendar (and attending more weddings than anyone should within the span of a calendar year), even though I was scared of not having enough rest. Allowing some plans to be entirely spontaneous, even though I used to practically use a formula to figure out days or even weeks in advance whether I would be physically okay during and afterward.
   
   I could name many more things – it’s been a wild year of trying and trying again. Not everything went perfectly; in fact, almost nothing did, because that’s not often how life works. But rather than being ultra-conservative with my body and marking discomfort as dangerous, I let myself try and make mistakes and take breaks and try again. I’m still not someone who volunteers to help a friend move furniture, but I’m now someone who is less frightened by challenges to my body. I don’t quite know how to say it, but I feel more confident in myself to 1. Try things and 2. See what happens, knowing that I can more easily handle the potential outcomes (including something not going well the first time or maybe still being something that I should avoid). Nothing is perfect, but things are so much better than they used to be. My life is brighter. My heart has more levity than ever.

Nothing is perfect, I’ve earned it…
Nothing is perfect, it’s gorgeous
The sky meets the sea
But nothing is perfect
Nothing is perfect for me

Metric, “Nothing Is Perfect”

I am wishing you and your loved ones a joyful, meaningful 2024. May you share any joy that you have, knowing that the world needs light more than ever these days, knowing that joy does not shrink by being shared, but instead can multiply and bless others in the process. May you be well. May all be well.

With love,
Emmie